How Yoga Has Changed The Way I Mourn

I recently lost someone in my life who I had met over twelve years ago. Katja was my first ‘real’ relationship. Though we weren’t together for an eternity, the time that we did have together, and afterwards was very impactful on my life. She was the kind of person that when you walked into a room you could feel her energy as soon as you entered. She wanted to help everyone, while sacrificing her own wellness. Katja was a creative person with a drive for life when I met her. Through the years of knowing her she sadly became sicker with her eating disorder that ultimately took her life.

I remember distinctly having a conversation with her years ago about how when she died (though we were hoping it was eighty years away and not twelve) she wanted people to celebrate her life, not mourn her loss. It’s something that I never thought I’d live to see. The world has lost a shining star. Though I am deeply saddened by this loss, I am also so grateful to have known such a strong, wonderful, impactful soul.

I can truly say that yoga has personally helped me through this more than any therapist ever could. This past week has been a struggle to get the studio back up and running indoors while balancing the weight of losing someone in my life. It feels like doing just everyday tasks have become just so much heavier. Yoga has shown me that I can show up in whatever state I am in. If I am sad, I show up. If I am happy, I show up. If I am angry, I show up. It doesn’t matter what I am going through, my mat will ALWAYS catch me when I fall.

I’ve been physically feeling the emotional weight but I have been able to redirect it through my body by using asana and pranayama and for that, I think yoga can be classified as a medicine. Doctors don’t normally prescribe four yoga classes a week as a way to process and heal, but I can assure you it has been exactly what I needed. When I am moving my body on my mat I feel like I can just move through anything I uncover. When I am in stillness on my mat I feel safe and secure to let whatever is happening, just happen.

There is something so nurturing about radically accepting life and yourself, just the way it is. It’s okay to feel things and not try to push them away. My yoga practice has taught me that the more I show up for myself, the more I show up for others. If I want to be the best me that I can be, I have to get on my mat, in any state that I am in. The strongest medicine is the stuff that comes from within. All of those answers to your questions are inside of you. When you ask yourself “What do I need?” the answer is already there. You just have to get quiet enough to listen.

Most of the past week has just me answering the question “What do I need?” and replying with “Yoga”. I want to mention that I’m not doing full sequences of asana practice to work through healing. When we think of yoga I know most of us have this image of leg-behind-head and balancing. Yoga, in it’s simplest form, is just uniting the breath and movement. A couple of cat-cows is still yoga. Reaching your arms up over head is still yoga. Yoga is the art of being human. Our outer ability in yoga does not equal our inner peace. Yoga, to me anyways, is not asana, it’s connecting with the mind so that you can connect deeper with... yourself, others, your community, the world.

I am thankful to have this practice where I am able to get deeper with the grief I feel and to be able to find areas that I can breath lightness into darkness. I am thankful to have been able to spend twelve years with such a bright shining star. I am thankful to my yoga mat for always supporting me, even when things are heavy.